Pregnancy loss/ miscarriage

Just a warning this post may be a trigger for some.


I wrote this about 3 days after we had our ultrasound

Life is hard, love is hard, loosing an unborn baby whom you have loved and who never had the chance at life is so damn hard. The last few days have been the hardest in my life- the most heart breaking. We had an ultrasound July 22 2015 we knew within seconds that something was wrong- later confirmed when we were told "I'm sorry there is no easy way for me to tell you this but there is no heartbeat". Our journey still hasn't ended as we are waiting for a D&C in a messed up medical system or if it goes natural before that time. We should have been 9 weeks- I was excited to be planning how to tell the kids in August, how to tell everyone. I always felt if I was to have a loss like this that no one should ever have to experience but far too many have to go through that I would want to be silent. During the emotional roller coaster- the heartache, guilt, frustration, sadness, anger and defeat I had some amazing women I turned to for support to help me. Talking to them- women who unfortunately had been in the same place as I find myself helped so much- they told it like it was- didn't sugar coat things of what they went through to help prepare me. I decided I couldn't be silent- what if someone needs me to be that woman- while I hope no one ever has to go through this unfortunately too many pregnancies end in miscarriage and I want to everyone to know I'm willing to be that shoulder to cry on, that person to listen and if wanted that person who will tell you my experience without sugar coating it. My journey isn't complete- I'm in no way healed from this nor do I think life will ever be the same. My heart will always have a hole, I will always ache for this child I had to say goodbye to before I got to feel them kick, hold them in my arms and be told "it's a boy"or "it's a girl", the child that we only knew about for just over 5 weeks but that I was so excited for, so in love with them and looking forward to what the future would bring. I know there is nothing I did or didn't do to make this happen- there was probably a chromosomal abnormality and this baby just "didn't have all the pieces of the puzzle" like my husband says. Please don't tell me I should be thankful I have 2 beautiful children- I am so blessed to have them both and love them so very much but that doesn't mean I can't mourn for this baby and what should have been. Don't tell me this far along they aren't a baby yet- that may be how you feel but for me I have a baby growing inside from the time I know. And yes I am thankful that if this baby wasn't meant to be that it happened early rather than later as I can't imagine having a stillborn or loosing a baby you get to hold for too short a time- that fact doesn't make this hurt any less real. For my baby who had to leave- I love you more than words can say and I will miss you all the days of my life my heart breaks that I won't be holding you in 7 months.

Update as I am a few months away from the second anniversary of that experience. I still have days I cry, I still have days I wonder who Camdyn would have been and what they would be doing now. I'm thankful I was blessed with my last baby girl but she in no way replaces the baby I lost- it's not an experience I will forget but I don't want to. That baby was my baby and I loved them dearly and always will. As time goes on it does get easier though.  And not all women grieve or feel the same way and that's ok too- we are all individuals who experience situations differently, but we can support each other as we go through the journey of life. 

Update

wow it's been a long time since I have done an update, almost 2 years!
A lot has happened in that time, let's start with the Monkey mans journey.
So after his surgery in June 2015 he went into AFO splint for 6 months. Then onto physio but it was determined that his stubborn foot was regressing again :(
So in September 2016 he went for a more invasive surgery. To be honest I can't remember everything she did but he had a deformity in his for that was preventing it from being corrected. So it involved the big toe, outside of his foot and the top of his foot and moving a tendon or two and some other stuff.  He was back in the cast for 6 weeks after that. I decided to fabricate a cover for his cast to keep it dry through the snow so I used a water resistant fleece lined material since it was winter here. It did its job thankfully. If you are dealing with kids in casts I highly recommend the drypro brand of waterproof vacuum sealed cast covers. Well worth the money!
After that surgery he has had more physio, and now custom orthotics and I'm not convinced it's his last surgery but the orthotics make him walk so much better. We go back in September for our follow up and I am really hoping he doesn't need another surgery because my boy wants to play hockey so badly and that just won't work with casts. I know it's not the end of the world and his feet are more important but when he's been asking for years to play I just want it to happen.
Also in the time since writing monkey man has gotten glasses and have been dealing with trying to get his one eye corrected since it's prescription is so much stronger than the other. So he does red/green eye therapy daily and it's making a huge difference. It's a bit hard to explain but on red paper I print things like worksheets in black ink. He does those worksheets while wearing a pair of glasses over his real glasses that have one red lens and one green lens. The "bad eye" gets to see everything while the bad eye doesn't see it all. It's instead of patching - because the good eye could become worse or his eyes could end up seeing independently of each other. So far it's going amazing.
He amazes me that with everything that gets sent his way he still is such a happy Smiley kid!

Now non monkey man related we have added a new baby to the family in August 2016. She really
Completed our family. After having a devastating loss of a pregnancy my last pregnancy was the most emotionally challenging. She was also born not breathing after a few complications during the pregnancy and labour. All in all I'm glad it's over and she's here and keeping me on my toes now that she is so mobile :)  I will post a different post of something I wrote after I lost my baby whom I named Camdyn.

Boo is growing like crazy too and will be starting Kindergarten next year and Monkey man will be in grade 1! It's so crazy how fast they grow. I will end it here as I can't possibly write everything that has gone on in the past 2 years :)

I will try to add pictures later as it's not letting me now

Doing great!

We finally got to see him 3 1/2 hours after I left him in the OR- we heard him screaming multiple times but he must have fallen back asleep as they said he was very sleepy. He was loopy from morphine and the anestetic. He was quite funny to be around and made everyone laugh. He's doing great- hope that continues after the freezing wears off and he goes into liquid morphine instead

Of the IV. I must say the wait was horrible especially when I could hear him cry. I know in the long run it is going to help immensely and that he needed this surgery. Thankful that he doesn't seem to remember that time or at least hasn't said much except for there being a bug in the room and that made him mad. I'm home with Boo while Monkey-Boo's Daddy is at the hospital with him. He needs to be carried to the bathroom (every few minutes it seems) and since momma didn't get much sleep at all last night I'm not sure that is that safe with me. I hope he sleeps good tonight although when we were discussing that he was going to sleep at the hospital and he asked how he would sleep would they give him the special medicine to go to sleep and we said no you will just snuggle in and go to sleep and he yelled out "MAKE ME GO TO SLEEP!!" 

He's enjoying jello and Popsicles like crazy and is trying to eat more but isn't impressed with hospital food lol

I am so glad the Alberta Children's Hospital and all its staff are so amazing! 

Home

My little man came home yesterday morning and is doing really well- a bit more pain now and had a rough night last night. 

In our excitement to get home we lost his beloved "greenie" blanket :( There have been many tears after I called twice and went back to the hospital with Boo to

Look - retraced our steps and spoke with the staff at the short stay surgery into

We were on and security and no luck :( 

That blankie has been through so much including the surgery, being sick, every night and nap since he attached to it at 9 months old. Greenie will

Never be replaced or forgotten that's for sure and I hope it does still turn up. monkey picked out material for me to make him another blanket and he seems to like it but it's not the same. 

I have decided I want to be like my kids when I grow up- they are smart, have a thirst for knowledge, persistent, resilient, brave, strong, happy, loving, caring determined and cute. That is just some of their awesome qualities 

This is our lost blanket 

And the new one he

Picked material for- minky on the one side and paw patrol for the other 

The wait

Monkey man was a trooper from waking up early to coming in for surgery he was excited. He did ask me once to take the mask off just before he went to sleep. It's definitely different and harder being the parent as opposed to the kid having surgery done. He's been in 2 hours now and the wait is hard. Hopefully soon they will come and tell us how it went and we can see him 

Casts

We went back into casts May 5 and Monkeyman has adjusted beautifully! Other than some itchy times nothing slows my boy down. He runs, jumps, climbs, rides his run bike and everything he did before :) his cast was pretty broken up on the toes. We get people trying to tell him he shouldn't be doing stuff with his cast - playing soccer or climbing at the park because they assume he should be taking it easy because they assume it is broken and not that it is corrective. 

We got a good correction with the first cast and she expects to get a full correction :) 

He went into his second cast today and again did amazing! Such a proud momma of my boy. He will be going for surgery when our doctor is able to do it- that will require a night stay in the hospital which will be an adventure. I found some socks at Walmart that are called Grow socks that fit over his cast perfectly which allows us to go to playgrounds with rocks and not worry about them getting in his cast and causing problems. The only thing is that he has worn through many :) we went with a bigger cast shoe this time so I think that will prevent his cast from getting banged up and his socks wearing out :) 

Here are a few pics of my happy Monkeyman 

Surgery

Today I took monkey man to get his cast off so that he could have a good bath and get all cleaned up for surgery tomorrow. We walked in the casting clinic and one of the lovely ladies in there says "these guys are my favorites!" My kids are well known for making the mood light and being happy :)

He is a little unsteady, stiff and weak from being in the cast for over a month so walking is a bit more difficult for him but he still wanted to go to the playground.

I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous about the surgery now- I think I was mostly fine until Sunday. I don't think any parent with a child going in for surgery doesn't have a million emotions running through them. I'm trying to not drive myself crazy. We check into the hospital bright and early in the morning and surgery should be fairly early as well as long as there is no emergencies for our dr and team to attend to. I have 110% faith in our Drs and team that Monkey man will be in the best hands and come out just fine but that doesn't stop the worry. Please think of him tomorrow- it will be the longest 1 1/2-2 hours of my life!