Saturday, 6 May 2017

Pregnancy loss/ miscarriage

Just a warning this post may be a trigger for some.

I wrote this about 3 days after we had our ultrasound

Life is hard, love is hard, loosing an unborn baby whom you have loved and who never had the chance at life is so damn hard. The last few days have been the hardest in my life- the most heart breaking. We had an ultrasound July 22 2015 we knew within seconds that something was wrong- later confirmed when we were told "I'm sorry there is no easy way for me to tell you this but there is no heartbeat". Our journey still hasn't ended as we are waiting for a D&C in a messed up medical system or if it goes natural before that time. We should have been 9 weeks- I was excited to be planning how to tell the kids in August, how to tell everyone. I always felt if I was to have a loss like this that no one should ever have to experience but far too many have to go through that I would want to be silent. During the emotional roller coaster- the heartache, guilt, frustration, sadness, anger and defeat I had some amazing women I turned to for support to help me. Talking to them- women who unfortunately had been in the same place as I find myself helped so much- they told it like it was- didn't sugar coat things of what they went through to help prepare me. I decided I couldn't be silent- what if someone needs me to be that woman- while I hope no one ever has to go through this unfortunately too many pregnancies end in miscarriage and I want to everyone to know I'm willing to be that shoulder to cry on, that person to listen and if wanted that person who will tell you my experience without sugar coating it. My journey isn't complete- I'm in no way healed from this nor do I think life will ever be the same. My heart will always have a hole, I will always ache for this child I had to say goodbye to before I got to feel them kick, hold them in my arms and be told "it's a boy"or "it's a girl", the child that we only knew about for just over 5 weeks but that I was so excited for, so in love with them and looking forward to what the future would bring. I know there is nothing I did or didn't do to make this happen- there was probably a chromosomal abnormality and this baby just "didn't have all the pieces of the puzzle" like my husband says. Please don't tell me I should be thankful I have 2 beautiful children- I am so blessed to have them both and love them so very much but that doesn't mean I can't mourn for this baby and what should have been. Don't tell me this far along they aren't a baby yet- that may be how you feel but for me I have a baby growing inside from the time I know. And yes I am thankful that if this baby wasn't meant to be that it happened early rather than later as I can't imagine having a stillborn or loosing a baby you get to hold for too short a time- that fact doesn't make this hurt any less real. For my baby who had to leave- I love you more than words can say and I will miss you all the days of my life my heart breaks that I won't be holding you in 7 months.

Update as I am a few months away from the second anniversary of that experience. I still have days I cry, I still have days I wonder who Camdyn would have been and what they would be doing now. I'm thankful I was blessed with my last baby girl but she in no way replaces the baby I lost- it's not an experience I will forget but I don't want to. That baby was my baby and I loved them dearly and always will. As time goes on it does get easier though.  And not all women grieve or feel the same way and that's ok too- we are all individuals who experience situations differently, but we can support each other as we go through the journey of life. 


wow it's been a long time since I have done an update, almost 2 years!
A lot has happened in that time, let's start with the Monkey mans journey.
So after his surgery in June 2015 he went into AFO splint for 6 months. Then onto physio but it was determined that his stubborn foot was regressing again :(
So in September 2016 he went for a more invasive surgery. To be honest I can't remember everything she did but he had a deformity in his for that was preventing it from being corrected. So it involved the big toe, outside of his foot and the top of his foot and moving a tendon or two and some other stuff.  He was back in the cast for 6 weeks after that. I decided to fabricate a cover for his cast to keep it dry through the snow so I used a water resistant fleece lined material since it was winter here. It did its job thankfully. If you are dealing with kids in casts I highly recommend the drypro brand of waterproof vacuum sealed cast covers. Well worth the money!
After that surgery he has had more physio, and now custom orthotics and I'm not convinced it's his last surgery but the orthotics make him walk so much better. We go back in September for our follow up and I am really hoping he doesn't need another surgery because my boy wants to play hockey so badly and that just won't work with casts. I know it's not the end of the world and his feet are more important but when he's been asking for years to play I just want it to happen.
Also in the time since writing monkey man has gotten glasses and have been dealing with trying to get his one eye corrected since it's prescription is so much stronger than the other. So he does red/green eye therapy daily and it's making a huge difference. It's a bit hard to explain but on red paper I print things like worksheets in black ink. He does those worksheets while wearing a pair of glasses over his real glasses that have one red lens and one green lens. The "bad eye" gets to see everything while the bad eye doesn't see it all. It's instead of patching - because the good eye could become worse or his eyes could end up seeing independently of each other. So far it's going amazing.
He amazes me that with everything that gets sent his way he still is such a happy Smiley kid!

Now non monkey man related we have added a new baby to the family in August 2016. She really
Completed our family. After having a devastating loss of a pregnancy my last pregnancy was the most emotionally challenging. She was also born not breathing after a few complications during the pregnancy and labour. All in all I'm glad it's over and she's here and keeping me on my toes now that she is so mobile :)  I will post a different post of something I wrote after I lost my baby whom I named Camdyn.

Boo is growing like crazy too and will be starting Kindergarten next year and Monkey man will be in grade 1! It's so crazy how fast they grow. I will end it here as I can't possibly write everything that has gone on in the past 2 years :)

I will try to add pictures later as it's not letting me now