Saturday, 6 May 2017

Pregnancy loss/ miscarriage

Just a warning this post may be a trigger for some.

I wrote this about 3 days after we had our ultrasound

Life is hard, love is hard, loosing an unborn baby whom you have loved and who never had the chance at life is so damn hard. The last few days have been the hardest in my life- the most heart breaking. We had an ultrasound July 22 2015 we knew within seconds that something was wrong- later confirmed when we were told "I'm sorry there is no easy way for me to tell you this but there is no heartbeat". Our journey still hasn't ended as we are waiting for a D&C in a messed up medical system or if it goes natural before that time. We should have been 9 weeks- I was excited to be planning how to tell the kids in August, how to tell everyone. I always felt if I was to have a loss like this that no one should ever have to experience but far too many have to go through that I would want to be silent. During the emotional roller coaster- the heartache, guilt, frustration, sadness, anger and defeat I had some amazing women I turned to for support to help me. Talking to them- women who unfortunately had been in the same place as I find myself helped so much- they told it like it was- didn't sugar coat things of what they went through to help prepare me. I decided I couldn't be silent- what if someone needs me to be that woman- while I hope no one ever has to go through this unfortunately too many pregnancies end in miscarriage and I want to everyone to know I'm willing to be that shoulder to cry on, that person to listen and if wanted that person who will tell you my experience without sugar coating it. My journey isn't complete- I'm in no way healed from this nor do I think life will ever be the same. My heart will always have a hole, I will always ache for this child I had to say goodbye to before I got to feel them kick, hold them in my arms and be told "it's a boy"or "it's a girl", the child that we only knew about for just over 5 weeks but that I was so excited for, so in love with them and looking forward to what the future would bring. I know there is nothing I did or didn't do to make this happen- there was probably a chromosomal abnormality and this baby just "didn't have all the pieces of the puzzle" like my husband says. Please don't tell me I should be thankful I have 2 beautiful children- I am so blessed to have them both and love them so very much but that doesn't mean I can't mourn for this baby and what should have been. Don't tell me this far along they aren't a baby yet- that may be how you feel but for me I have a baby growing inside from the time I know. And yes I am thankful that if this baby wasn't meant to be that it happened early rather than later as I can't imagine having a stillborn or loosing a baby you get to hold for too short a time- that fact doesn't make this hurt any less real. For my baby who had to leave- I love you more than words can say and I will miss you all the days of my life my heart breaks that I won't be holding you in 7 months.

Update as I am a few months away from the second anniversary of that experience. I still have days I cry, I still have days I wonder who Camdyn would have been and what they would be doing now. I'm thankful I was blessed with my last baby girl but she in no way replaces the baby I lost- it's not an experience I will forget but I don't want to. That baby was my baby and I loved them dearly and always will. As time goes on it does get easier though.  And not all women grieve or feel the same way and that's ok too- we are all individuals who experience situations differently, but we can support each other as we go through the journey of life. 

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